Jim Varagona

>I promise not to blog about toilets or bathrooms anymore after this, unless it is really interesting. Our boy, Bob Dougherty, who claimed his rear end was super glued to a toilet seat at a Home Depot Store in 2003, passed a polygraph which questioned him about his improbable tale. He also denied reports that his butt was stuck to a toilet seat again in 2004 at the Nederland, Colorado visitor’s center.

The toilet man Dougherty (right), and his attorney, Mark Cohen (left), fighting for $3 million in Goo Be Gone. (AP)

This is how the Associated Press reported:

Ron Trzepacz, former director of operations in Nederland, where Dougherty lives, had told the Rocky Mountain News that Dougherty claimed in 2004 that he had been glued to a toilet seat in the town’s visitor center but pulled himself free. Dougherty denies that and said he didn’t know Trzepacz.

Messages previously left by the AP for Trzepacz, who now lives in Franklinville, N.Y., have not been returned.

My question now is why did it take him so long to come forward and ask for $3 million in damages from Home Depot if this happened in 2003? It is an embarassing story, but if you’re going to sue, get it over with. Maybe next time he should wipe down the seat first or use one of those nifty covers.

>(special thanks to Tim Burton’s Pee Wee’s Big Adventure for the swell quote used for the title)
Our friend that got himself “glued” to the toilet seat at Home Depot may have made this claim before. Apparently the same thing happened to him at Nederland, CO’s visitor center last year. I don’t know what is harder to believe–that he got himself glued to a toilet seat twice, or that Nederland, CO has a visitor’s center. Maybe what we are dealing with here is superhuman. He may not realize it, but his body may secrete gluey substances…from his ass. It’s like Bruce Willis in “Unbreakable,” when he begins to realize he has superhuman powers. When this happens, we just need to accept it, and not fight it and assume that the world, or Home Depot associates or shoppers, are sabatoging our lives.

There has to be some advantage to secreting glue from your arse…

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>So I go into the john at Home Depot today and the lights are out. These aren’t the automatic type that should have turned on when I went in; it was a simple switch. Yeah, so I flipped the switch, and then I hear the grumblings of a man in the midst of his bowel movement. He could have at least said “Thanks,” or whatever of that he could muscle out–a “thks” would have sufficed.

How long was this man in there? Was this someone’s sick joke on him, or does he maybe like to crap in the dark?? There is a certain ambiance achieved by just flicking that switch off. For hygenic reasons though, I cannot support this. I can only come away from this thinking that I saved this guy, and he just kept on pooping. What a stinky jerk.

>Okay, so maybe I shouldn’t be starting things off that way, but it reels you in…right? I especially should watch what I say since I work in Home Depot stores, but not for them. Confusing, eh? Good.

Anyway, a man is suing the store for ignoring his cries for help because he was glued to a toilet seat in their restroom. Personally, I wouldn’t answer him either. Chances are if someone is making noises in a restroom, you want to stay clear for various reasons. I’d be afraid of the stench. I mean who would expect to find a guy stuck to the seat?! Now when someone is gone for a long time in the john at the Depot, people won’t say, “He/she must’ve fallen in.” It will now be, “He/she must’ve gotten glued to the seat.”

It is frightening really, kind of like how I am still afraid of a woman cutting my penis off because of Lorena Bobbitt. The horror! Even if you aren’t scared of being glued to the seat, you should still beware of the Home Depot facilities. Those contractors really stink up the joint, plus they don’t wash their hands after they complete their mission. In addition to that, Home Depot doesn’t understand proper ventilation, so in every men’s john, there is a big fan to circulate that wonderful “crap humidity” and odor. I wonder if you can catch something from all of that nastiness in the air.

Home Depot–you can get glued to our toilet seats and catch the bird flu in our restrooms–and we can help.

>I don’t care what ‘they’ say. Sure, the acting is piss poor at times. Sure, the story lines could have been better. You still have to give George Lucas credit for creating this different world that we see in the Star Wars franchise. It wasn’t entirely unique, since the Sith in Episode III, which was released today on DVD, was loosely based off of the current administration in Washington, D.C., at least some may say.

For two hours though, I still have a good time during a viewing of any Star Wars film, even the prequel trilogy. This final installment has more laughs in it than any of the others. It is Lucas going out with a bang. So thanks George.

[I do think he should at least write a third trilogy though, which was rumored to be in the plans way back when. He could hand the reigns off to more contemporary filmmakers and screenwriters to improve it. Could you imagine Peter Jackson or Kevin Smith (two big fans) getting their hands on this franchise?]

The other big debut of sorts for the week for me was the relaunch of a World Wide Magazine tribute site (Note: link removed due to site removal as of 12/18). To those not familiar, World Wide Magazine was a public access television program which ran for 15 years in St. Louis. It was about whatever its creator, Pete Parisi, wanted it to be about. The show was known for its odd cast of characters, like Star Wars, that people loved and hated, like Vince and Marty, the Mad Russian (whom I have a page set aside for), “the songbird” Vanessa, Black Jesus, the Feeney bros., and many more. It was part skit show, part reality TV, part talk show…well, like I said, whatever Pete wanted to do at the time. It is a good representation of St. Louis though–quirky, funny, sometimes boring, full of hoosiers, and yet fascinating.

Sadly enough, Pete died in 2002 from complications due to his Diabetes, but there is more to it. It turns into an E! True Hollywood Story type of deal (click here for back story). The whole thing motivated me to make a documentary on Pete and his show, which I entitled simply, “P.E.P.” Not many have seen it, but maybe one day I will make it more widely available for all of the cult fans (or maybe you could email me for a copy). Then maybe everyone will become a fan. Check out all the sites…it’s a trip.

Rest in peace P.E.P.

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>Hope everyone is having or did have a splendid Halloween. Diabetics are either jealous of you or making themselves horribly ill trying to act ‘normal.’ The latter is much more exciting.

I remember my first Diabetic Halloween was only 2 weeks after I was diagnosed. My mother went around before I went out and gave each neighbor a pack of microwave popcorn and a can of Diet Sprite. Once I caught on, I was disappointed. My life would never be the same. Nevertheless, I ate lots of candy today. It’s better trying to keep up with the effects of that compared to the diarrhea that excessive consumption of sugar-free products can give you. Happy Halloween indeed.

I worked on my Yoda jack-o-lantern for hours. Shannon made that spiffy ghost to the left. This year, I am saving more anticipation for tomorrow…the release of Star Wars III on DVD.

Enjoy it you will.

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