>Don’t Got to Applebee’s When It’s Not Your Birthday

by jvaragona


Yesterday my fellow retail service operatives and I went on our semi-daily business lunch. We decided on Applebee’s for a reason. You see there is a large, retired pro wrestler in our group that for some reason avoids our lunches. We aren’t sure if he is ashamed of his eating habits, hates spending money, or is simply watching his figure. Anyhow, it is an occasion if we convince him to go along, kind of like a sighting of a Sasquatch, except this is a Sasquatch eating. Someone brought up saying it was the wrestler’s birthday, because at Applebee’s they sing to you and give you free dessert. I was all for this, considering it was nowhere near his birthday.

Upon our arrival at the restaurant, I pulled our clueless, whiteboy waiter aside, explained it was my co-worker’s birthday, and asked if he could do something special for him. He told me that they only had two people on the floor, but could arrange something. I assured him that we would sing along or do whatever needed to help the process.

The six of us ate our meal while discussing some ideas for inventions I had and the possibilities of it freeing us all from our slave labor. We imagined an immense office complex with an ornate fountain flanked by Greek goddesses spitting water. As our dreams and our meal drew to a close, I spotted our boy moving in with a giant ice cream sundae.

I wished my fellow slave the happiest of birthdays. I must hand it to him for not busting a gut as he received his dairy treat. We all showered him with more well wishes as our waiter looked on. I requested custard dishes for the rest of us, because the big boy wouldn’t be able to devour it all himself. The server complied, and we divvied up portions for each of us. It was pretty good, except for the freezer burnt parts and the few ice chips within.

Then the birthday boy asked us who would pay for the ice cream. It turns out they put it on his bill out of all of our separated checks. I understand it wasn’t really his birthday, but dummy server boy had no idea about this, therefore I am insulted by the fact that he one, even charged us for it, and two, put the charge on the birthday boy’s bill. It was still a good time had by all, despite that mongoose dung. I am demanding an apology from Applebee’s for this though, because if it really was his birthday, this would be an embarrassment.

The Birthday Boy