Jim Varagona

>Just When you Think You Have A Million Dollar Idea…

>I heard once that the average person comes up with two million dollar ideas a year, and simply lets them go by.

I have always had this great idea to combine a knife and fork. The spoon and fork mated to create the spork, and look what that did for KFC. You know you try to saw food with a fork, and sometimes it gets frustrating, so why not add a serated edge to it? I ran this idea by the guys at work during one of our famous business lunches not long ago. We would call it the Knork, which I’ll admit that one of the Filipino Mafia was behind the name. There would be plastic and silverware Knorks. People could convert their old useless forks into Knorks when the Knork man came through their neighborhood in the Knork truck, which would have a giant Knork laid across the roof. There would be different varieties like golden Knorks, Knorks with cartoon characters on the handle, Knorks with collapsible handles, Knorks as military weapons for poking and then sawing. I even devised Knork Industries Headquarters as a spacious modern office building with a giant Knork fountain out front, flanked by a Greek goddess on each side.

Then today, it happened. No, I didn’t even get my prototype made. I found out the Knork already exists. Apparently these folks just can’t market their product well. This innovative and genius product exists, and not many even know about it. It’s a crying shame. They even have the curved edges on the tines that I thought up all by myself to assist in spreading and scooping. And they come in plasticware and regular flatware. How could this happen? How could someone come up with the same idea as me, but before me, and ruin it by not having creative infomercials with people hilariously attempting to saw their food with forks to no avail??! How could they not have Knork men driving Knork trucks? And where is their Knork fountain??! I am obviously thoroughly disappointed.

I guess my only option is to make a generic knockoff with a better marketing campaign. It could be my key to financial freedom and my ticket out of the Retail Servicing industry. I could give the boss a job as a Knork man, but I’d have to change the name. Fife is too easy and reminds me of Barney Fife. Maybe I’ll just skip to the next step–the Spnork! I’ll be swimming in the dough a la Demi Moore in Indecent Proposal in no time.

Speaking of million dollar ideas, check out this statement from the folks at Terracycle:

At TerraCycle we manufacture affordable, powerful, organic products that are
not only made from waste, but are also packaged entirely in waste!
TerraCycle Plant Food™ is made by feeding premium organic waste to millions of worms. The worm poop is then liquified into a powerful organic plant food and bottled directly in used soda bottles.

Yes folks, worm poop plant food. Another genius idea, but who has heard of this, and is TerraCycle Plant Food really a catchy name?? Take a page from the million dollar Butt Paste play book, BE OBVIOUS AND UP FRONT. Just call it Worm Poop Plant Food. I would buy it just based on that. Why am I in the Retail Servicing Industry anyway? If your company needs any marketing ideas, just drop me a line. Me and my boys can discuss it over a bagel break.



>Enigma Dick, the Boozer?

>Interesting excerpt from today’s White House press briefing with Scott McClellan, during which a reporter questioned why Cheney’s blood alcohol level wasn’t taken after he shot his buddy, especially considering the men admitted to drinking during lunch earlier in the day. Also, the VP was not questioned by the po-po’s at all until the next day. The reporter’s point being that regular Joe citizen wouldn’t have been treated so nicely. She must remember that this is America, and politicians and celebrities are different from us. If Dick killed Mrs. Cheney and blamed it on a one armed man, a one armed man did it. Case in point: O.J., Robert Blake, Winona Ryder, Robert Downey Jr., Gary Condit…the list goes on forever.

I also thoroughly enjoyed the fact that when Dick finally decided to discuss this whole matter, he chose Fox News. How convenient.


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