Jim Varagona

>Okay, so maybe I shouldn’t be starting things off that way, but it reels you in…right? I especially should watch what I say since I work in Home Depot stores, but not for them. Confusing, eh? Good.

Anyway, a man is suing the store for ignoring his cries for help because he was glued to a toilet seat in their restroom. Personally, I wouldn’t answer him either. Chances are if someone is making noises in a restroom, you want to stay clear for various reasons. I’d be afraid of the stench. I mean who would expect to find a guy stuck to the seat?! Now when someone is gone for a long time in the john at the Depot, people won’t say, “He/she must’ve fallen in.” It will now be, “He/she must’ve gotten glued to the seat.”

It is frightening really, kind of like how I am still afraid of a woman cutting my penis off because of Lorena Bobbitt. The horror! Even if you aren’t scared of being glued to the seat, you should still beware of the Home Depot facilities. Those contractors really stink up the joint, plus they don’t wash their hands after they complete their mission. In addition to that, Home Depot doesn’t understand proper ventilation, so in every men’s john, there is a big fan to circulate that wonderful “crap humidity” and odor. I wonder if you can catch something from all of that nastiness in the air.

Home Depot–you can get glued to our toilet seats and catch the bird flu in our restrooms–and we can help.